I didn’t think I’d change so much from 22 to 25, so it’s like a whole different life I lived when I was 18.
I don’t have a single regret for having made any of the decisions I made, and I would make 99% of them all over again. The choices I made then, have made me into the person I am today. I think the one thing that resonates with me more than anything was this exchange.
I fell for a guy at 19 who I truly believed was the guy for me. We were friends, but also we were (for a short time) partners. We were never fated to make it work though. I just denied it, in the naivety of being 19 and truly holding onto the idea of true love and a soul mate. He challenged me but also made me laugh. But when we were just babies learning about the world, him 21 and me 19, we weren’t ready nor did we know what love really was.
It took a long time to truly get over this love of mine. I never believed our story was closed. It was just taking a moment to restructure itself before bringing us back together. And it’s been that way, over the years we would check in with each other and keep each other kinda in the loop about our various undertakings. Then in a big blow out we ended it all, the friendship, the love, and just left the pieces to sit forever.
3 years later and we reconnected, but I realized he and I had become different people. I was a little more jaded and cold to the world, and he was more receptive to admitting that he loved me. I finally had the upper hand with him and I took it to my complete advantage. He was saying everything that I had so desperately wanted to hear all those years ago, and when he said them to me now, well my heart gave a leap to life and here I was stuck in an impossible situation. Was I going to make this same mistake a third time, potentially for yet another devastating heart break, one which I wasn’t sure I could come back from, or would I be smarter to just walk away for good and love him from afar?
I chose to let him go, I’ll always love him, I can admit that so easily and so fearlessly because he’ll have the one thing that no one else had. He’s my first love to whom I gave my heart and soul for. As I told him, I would’ve waited for him, no matter the distance or time, because I felt he was the one my heart wanted to curl up next to at the end of each and every day. Even now, I do wonder, if we truly tried and gave it our all, would we truly make it?
We know each other’s quirks and habits, even after all these years. We get each other’s humor and how to push each other’s buttons. But since we were together in 2010, we haven’t been in the same city. How do we know if we could even be in the same city together, let alone the same place?
I know he’s got regrets to how he was young and stupid, but I loved him and will always love him.
My life though since losing that part of myself has changed me. I now approach many relationships with one foot out the door, no attachment to the people who I let into my world, I keep them at an arm’s length and let them walk away thinking it was their idea to keep myself from hurting them. Perhaps that’s masochistic, but I prefer to let them think they’ve broken my heart than for me to do that to them. Perhaps it’s because I remember clearly as if it happened yesterday the pain I experienced when my heart was stomped on and left in the dirt. Perhaps it’s made me a little softer to the feelings of others, but why do I just feel cynical at the end of the day?
Perhaps I’m just not cut out for love these days, and that’s okay.