Maybe I do have a thing for bad boys, because underneath that tough exterior is a man who will stand beside me- through thick and thin, if I can promise him my heart. Maybe I like the bad boys because I feel the pull to living a life worth laughing back over. Maybe I like the bad boys because they make me feel alive and make my soul sing. Perhaps it’s more complicated or it’s easier than I could imagine. What if he just doesn’t care after all? <- that question kills me soul but I can walk away. I can respect it all because I’m not a beggar. Perhaps I would’ve been, in fact, I was. But not now, I know my own worth and I can’t wait around for someone to figure that out.
The desire to learn what makes him tick, the desire to learn how to make him smile and laugh so the cloudy days are behind him, the drive for me to show him what a true partnership is made me want to push. Typical in my northern ways, I wanted my way and I wanted to show that I know best. But in this case, the best chance for him to see, is to wait and be what he needed in time.
Something about him pulled me back over and over. Perhaps I’m romanticizing the short, fleeting time together, but perhaps not. I believe I scared him; not in a macho way, but in the way that I am. I don’t hide who I am. I’m forward, assertive, bubbly, and I’m not afraid to go after what I want. I think my northern ways got under his skin. He admitted, he’s not the one women hit on, perhaps because he keeps his guard up and pushes people away. But I got past that line. I could tell, his interest in me only grew more and more.
The mystery of who I was to him and what I wanted. It was that crooked smile. The tough guy exterior and the absolute loyal and sweet interior. The fact that he’d been wronged and still managed to love. Perhaps that’s what pulled me in. The fact that this man, clearly a wonderful and caring person who’s experienced more loss than I can imagine, still wanted to show his love to someone. Someone who can’t understand all of what he’s experienced, but is willing to listen and wait, so long as she’s not alone.