If you asked me who I’d be at 25, I would have said that I hadn’t learned my lessons yet about relationships. But then I realize how much I’ve changed and grown. How while I don’t always like to have the crappy conversations about topics that make both parties feel guarded and uncomfortable, I know when it has to be done. While it’s not always fun to put your cards on the table, sometimes someone has to go first. I also realize that I’ve grown so much when I look at how insecure people can be at this age and they don’t know how to handle it. I’ve learned to take a step back and look at it from a more realistic view. I can handle many a situation that I never anticipated facing before, but I’m the captain of this ship and I like where I’m headed. Ain’t no storm gonna stop me.
I realize now for the first time in my life I want to prioritize myself. I want to treat myself to what makes me feel good, makes me happy, make me laugh, and on occasion, cry. I realize how lucky I am with my life, in that fact that I have a job, I can pay my bills, I have a place to live and I can afford fun things in my life, but sometimes it all seems to drag you down. It’s subtle though. It creeps onto your skin. It’s slowly reaches into the depths of your being. It makes you question what you thought you knew and what you have yet to learn. It makes you wonder if what you’ve done with your life. You feel the social pressures of conforming, even if it doesn’t feel right to you. You feel the judgement and maybe even the loneliness of not “going along with the ‘plan’” but it’s not that easy. Each of us have our own story to write. Not all of us will follow the same timeline and it’s okay. I think I write this as a rationalization to myself that it’ll be okay and I have to come to terms with the fact that I don’t know what is going to happen, even though I want to be in control.