It’s not about being the loudest. It’s not about being the best. It’s about being consistent and dedicated. It’s about how the words we choose sometimes stick around longer than we ever do. It’s the impact of what lessons we take away from those who we admire. We inspire because we set an example of a higher standard. We’re more than just fellow humans. We are the superheroes to others. Whether we’re inspired by our parents, teachers, friends, or someone far removed, it’s the takeaway that makes the difference to our lives.
And in a moment, we’re not longer just people. We become extraordinary. We become larger than life. We need to understand that each of us to some extent, at some moment, for some person, can and will change a life we touch. We need more positive words of wisdom, kindness, love, compassion, and empathy. We need more kindness in this world.
Inspiration doesn’t always come at you. Sometimes it’s just around you and suddenly you see the world with a little more clarity. Inspiration doesn’t yell at you. Sometimes it just sits near you and you feel it. Sometimes you look in the mirror and see you’re not who you thought you were because you’re stronger than you ever imagined.
Inspiration gets us all.
If someone told me, I’d fall for a guy so different from what I’ve known all my life, I would have laughed. Not because I think it wouldn’t happen, but because it’s what I never knew I always wanted. It’s the fact that in a single passing moment, I caught his eye, and I felt the pull to go back to him. It’s the fact that once we started talking, I could feel I found my home. It’s the feeling that my heart sang again and was pulled to this man who potentially could be everything.
It’s ironic too, since a friend came to visit, when we were talking about how he knew his lady was his, he simply said, ‘I just knew’ and that’s what I felt. I never thought I’d have the immediate instinct to call someone home, but here I am, ready to fall for a guy who potentially can also break my heart yet again.
Am I ready for this? Oh hell no. But am I willing to give it a go? Hell yes. I have a pull to his soul, his being, and his presence. I don’t wanna look back on anything else in my life and think, ‘I wish I did it differently.’ I’m ready to completely open my heart to this and give it a fair shake.
If someone told me, I’d disregard all the other things I once labeled deal breakers to me, I would’ve laughed. But here I am, not shying away from what I used to throw away. Tattoos- never thought they’d do it for me. But I’m dying to skim my fingers across them, to learn each one by heart. A fighter- never thought I’d be able to watch a fight and not be scared for him. Which I believe I still will be in person but hell, I’d be thrilled to be there cheering for him and standing by his side.
I mean the questions are endless, but then I think back to how he makes me feel, and THAT makes me forget about my doubts. I feel like I found home with him and that’s the feeling I want to keep. I want to see it through and learn about him.
If someone told me, that I’d be going down a familiar yet scary road, 5 years later, I’d laugh. Here I am, in a situation with potentially another person, playing the long distance game for (at least in this case, there is an end in sight) the time being and hoping it’s all worth it. I believe in my heart it is.
This is that big love, that one which wars are started over, the one which it sears your soul and you can’t remember anyone before this person. Perhaps I’m just making it all up and hoping for the best, but my soul pulls to him. There are so many factors that make me pause, but it’s the way his voice lights in a fire in my soul. It’s the passion that simmers below the surface, waiting for the right moment to be. I fear, my detachment, for the distance. Until it’s set that I’m going to pick my life up, I’m just playing.
Not playing to hurt, but playing because my heart is already there. My heart was left in the hands of the sweetest man I’ve met. Nothing sparks my interest here. I can’t even pretend. So while it’s hard to say, and hear some of the sweet things, I know in my heart, it’s all true. I’m just removed from getting the payout.
Call me jaded, call me cynical, but as soon as I walked through Smashville, my heart felt something it’s missed for years. It felt at peace. It felt serenity wash over my soul. I haven’t felt a sense of belonging in years, since Ireland. But the pull to this city, it’s undeniable.
It’s the same inexplicable pull I have to this person. I’ve only felt it twice. The foundational fascination with each other. And here we go again, we’re on the up of this rollercoaster that is my life, but I’m ready for the ride of a lifetime. My heart, it jumped, it fluttered, it felt alive again when I saw his name pop up. It wasn’t just me thinking we had this connection. He felt it too. He missed me. Of course, part of me is oh so hesitant and afraid, but part of me (for once) wants to just jump in with no care in the world. I wanna do it right. I wanna know that this spark and immediate attraction isn’t just a fleeting ember of excitement. I want to know and believe in the power of an other half, a soulmate, a partner for better and for worse, someone who you can laugh with but still fall for each day, someone who challenges you to be better every day, and someone who’s going to have your back.
I want it all and I think I can have it all with him.
If you saw me now, you’d never have guessed the trials my heart has experienced, both for the better and for the worst. The highs have made my life so thrilling and the lows made me question if I was strong enough, but time after time, I come back for me.
I can’t stay away from the fire. And I think, it’s all to do with the fact that I live for the highs, so I’ll suffer the lows. It’s a vicious cycle and perhaps one day I’ll learn but for now I crave the feelings. Good and bad, my heart needs both in order to thrive and be happy. The drama of nothing or everything. The passion of all or nothing.
I guess, my cynical and cold heart really isn’t as iced as I thought. I just now protect myself above all and I’m not afraid of self-preservation. Perhaps it’s not the best way to live life, but for now, with having had people time after time, be the worst instead of their best, it’s just the safest way to come out without being completely shattered because I love too easily.
Some days the day is the dragon and we’re going to slay. It doesn’t matter if we’re in our sweats or dressed for the oscars. Whatever makes our inner diva shine, that’s our armour. It’s about empowering ourselves beyond what we think is our limit. It’s the extra bounce in our step or the glow of a good hair day, yes they sound shallow, but sometimes it’s the little things that make us feel invincible.
There are days when we just feel everything is going perfectly and nothing can take us down. THOSE are the days where we are at our sharpest, our most intuitive, our most on point, and ready to take down anyone who stands in our way.
It’s so easy to feel marginalized and lost in the world, but here’s what I think every day, everyone else is so wrapped up in themselves they forget to notice the world around them. They are so wrapped up in their own head they fail to see the beauty of the world around them. They stare at their screen and forget about the world passing them by. So don’t feel like people are staring at you. Own it, if they are. Be proud. Be brave. Be colorful. Be you. I know it sounds so cliched, but it’s true, I find myself so much happier and less self-conscious of myself because no one is looking at me. And if they are, they’ll see a person who’s enjoying the little things in life as they come. They’ll see someone who’s laughing at something funny in the moment. Someone who can cherish the smile of a stranger who actually makes eye contact, the mutual laugh with someone over a sight we both saw, the ability to dance a step or two only to realize you’re in public but then see no one cares.
So live big. Laugh Big. Love even bigger. Because I believe, what you put into life, is what you get out of life.
If you said, at 25, I’d have my eyes opened to “lovin’ big” again, I would’ve laughed you to next Tuesday. I wouldn’t have thought that I could have my eyes opened to the love I always imagined as a kid. I wouldn’t have thought another blue-eyed man would enter my life and give my heart another spark.
Two sparks in a short life of love, but the spark could start a wildfire. It could take down an empire and run even more. That spark is what my heart sang for, cried for, lived for, and has found again. I never would’ve thought I’d be here, in this place in my life, finally understanding the decisions we make or don’t make, end up defining us anyway.
As much as I’d like to pretend that my goal in life is to be so financially stable, I’d take a spark and fiery love with my best friend over a loveless or temperable life. I’ll take the passion and excitement over the boring but stable. My life is much too precious to waste for someone who won’t appreciate all that I bring to the world and to a relationship.
I think I’m starting to figure it all out; but that’s not to say I have all the answers yet. I’m starting to set my standards and I’m sticking to them. I’m creating a path which is my guide to living the best life I can possibly live.
Maybe I do have a thing for bad boys, because underneath that tough exterior is a man who will stand beside me- through thick and thin, if I can promise him my heart. Maybe I like the bad boys because I feel the pull to living a life worth laughing back over. Maybe I like the bad boys because they make me feel alive and make my soul sing. Perhaps it’s more complicated or it’s easier than I could imagine. What if he just doesn’t care after all? <- that question kills me soul but I can walk away. I can respect it all because I’m not a beggar. Perhaps I would’ve been, in fact, I was. But not now, I know my own worth and I can’t wait around for someone to figure that out.
The desire to learn what makes him tick, the desire to learn how to make him smile and laugh so the cloudy days are behind him, the drive for me to show him what a true partnership is made me want to push. Typical in my northern ways, I wanted my way and I wanted to show that I know best. But in this case, the best chance for him to see, is to wait and be what he needed in time.
Something about him pulled me back over and over. Perhaps I’m romanticizing the short, fleeting time together, but perhaps not. I believe I scared him; not in a macho way, but in the way that I am. I don’t hide who I am. I’m forward, assertive, bubbly, and I’m not afraid to go after what I want. I think my northern ways got under his skin. He admitted, he’s not the one women hit on, perhaps because he keeps his guard up and pushes people away. But I got past that line. I could tell, his interest in me only grew more and more.
The mystery of who I was to him and what I wanted. It was that crooked smile. The tough guy exterior and the absolute loyal and sweet interior. The fact that he’d been wronged and still managed to love. Perhaps that’s what pulled me in. The fact that this man, clearly a wonderful and caring person who’s experienced more loss than I can imagine, still wanted to show his love to someone. Someone who can’t understand all of what he’s experienced, but is willing to listen and wait, so long as she’s not alone.
When I close my eyes, it’s his piercing look that takes my breath away. It’s those quick stolen kisses under the starry night. It’s that wink which makes my knees go weak. The smile with a devilish glint. The way his eyes light up when he sees me looking at him. In a single moment, he flashes through my mind. I don’t know his story. I don’t know his past. I don’t know anything except the spark between us could start a wildfire.
It’s the tenderness and softness of his lips brushing mine. Something I’d never really thought much about before, and now every nerve waits, anticipating the next touch on my skin. The fluid connection and equal thirst for each other. Is it just because it was a short, exciting, momentary fling, or does it have potential for more? For everything I never knew I wanted in a partner and then some? Am I just dreaming because it’s easier to pretend it’s got potential since I live 4 states away and it’s not 100% certain I’ll be moving there? Am I just fooling myself into projecting a love so epic and timeless, I’ll cast anyone to be the love interest of the story? No because I want it all. I want the friendship. The passion. The butterflies. The anger. The irritation. The boring. The exciting. The feeling of absolute love and warmth in their arms.
But in a flash, I saw his baggage. I saw his past. I saw his hurt and pain. But still something drew me closer and closer. Something in his eyes, pulled me in. Here I found myself, wanting to learn about him. Learn his heart, soul, mind, and body. I wanted more than just the spark. I didn’t think I’d find someone who gave me the same spark that’s haunted me for the last seven years with anyone else. I didn’t think I could meet someone who would make me forget about the past. But there was a clear sign to run. It flickered back and forth between gazes. Sometimes he’d let me glimpse into his soul. I’d see he’d been hurt. I could see the love overflowing in his heart as well. I could see that if you gave this man your all, he’d move the heavens and earths for you. I could feel the passion simmering just below the surface; mixed with rage and maybe a little fear. What was going to come out ahead, no one could tell. The tender look and soft gaze. That’s what got me.
One moment later, the walls popped back up and I could see the warrior was back. I could see a man who’d lost someone. A man who was fighting his own demons. A man who knew the sting of betrayal and hate. A man who thought himself not worth the attention of women. A man who could be bitter, but still tried to be better. And then I caught myself, thinking of that what-if’s. The dangerous path to travel down, because sure I could imagine all the good and potential happiness, but what if didn’t take into account the pain that might come with this path. The pain that can’t be overcome. What if he was so irreparably damaged he could never let himself let someone in? What if I pushed too far and I got shut out forever? What if I, was just a convenience for the long weekend? What if I’d made up all the spark and attraction my mind? But what if, out of all the possibilities, he felt it too and wasn’t sure if it would work either, for the right and wrong reasons, but held himself back? What if he too, was scared of the perfect fitting and pulled away?
The best 5 days of my life just passed. I can’t even truly begin to express the happiness I felt while I was there. Yes, the first few days were a little lonely and tough, but then I realized I wanted more. More from myself. More laughing. More smiling. More people. More.
It’s all thanks to Liz who pushed me out of my comfort zone and made me go line dance. Totally solo and just have fun. She helped me to see that I can take on the world and be absolutely fearless. Because of her, my trip took a much more fun and adventurous turn. I no longer cared about being self-conscious, I was just going to be my bubbly, goofy side, and let the chips fall where they would. There wasn’t going to be anything holding me back from having the best time of my life.
So I did it. I put my big girl pants on and went out to the city. I’m glad I spent time with my new hostel friends, we went bar hopping and thanks to them, I got some courage. The inherent fear to make a fool of yourself tends to make you worry about what other people are thinking of you, but by the end of it, I had gotten the attention of the lead singer (oh what a time that was!) and got to chat with him which was really fun. I got to meet and talk to the other bands coming in and they’re just so friendly and sweet.
It’s not hard to make friends in Nashville. Everyone will talk to you. Everyone will be friendly and approachable. Yes there are those who are going to hit on you and be gross, but it’s hard to not feel the pull of the friendliness of everyone. You find yourself starting conversations rather than waiting for someone else to speak to you first.
I came to this town knowing no one, and I left with plenty of new friends; from the states and abroad. I left with plenty of contacts to when I get down there. I left with so much more love in my heart than I thought possible.
So Smashville, hold onto my heart because I’ve left it with you and I’m coming home for it. Soon! ❤