One day we’ll be friends. One day it won’t be a reminder of the long-lost memories. But for now, you live in a box, separated from the rest of my life. Obviously I care, but not in the way you do. I think I broke your heart. You may never admit it, but I won. I’m not being petty. I think overall, I can out stronger than you did. When I think back to us, nothing stands up as a memory I’ll never forget, except for the tears. So many memories I have of us are with me in tears.
There is a montage, at times, a reel of happy memories, but nothing which makes me smile for no reason. I hardly remember our first kiss, except that me being me, I asked if you’d make a move. So much of me got lost in the three years together. So much of me that made me the person I was when we met. I missed some of those parts of myself. I learned after our relationship I won’t compromise my vibrant and kooky self. I won’t play down my desire to dress up and be fancy. I won;t lost the unique parts of me for a guy. I won’t lose my smile, laugh, love of doing new things, or my sense of adventure. I’m beginning to see how love is different each time. It starts differently each time and as I’ve written, I can’t take my baggage from a last love with me to my new relationship. If I want to give us a fair shot, I have to wipe the slate. To off-load past insecurities and worries isn’t fair to the new person and it can lead to doubts.
As I was talking to a friend, she was worried that her new bf was essentially dating her as a “placeholder” for his last relationship. A valid fear but it worked itself out nicely for her. The doubts which plagued her were fair though since her gut thought he might just be transferring feelings of the ex to her.