Posted in Advice

It’s Not You, It’s Me. It’s Always Been About Me.

“Well, starting over is definitely a trying task, but it really helps to have friends who’ve given you unconditional support, family that reminds you home is just a phone call away, and a perfect animal who keeps you busy when all you want to do it stop.

I’ve been lucky so far in this whole new wild world of online dating. Keeping busy has been a must for me. My friends have totally stepped up and been amazing from all across the country.

I can’t really begin to express the weight I feel which has been lifted off my chest. While I have no regrets staying with my ex, I think I came to terms with us ending a lot longer and earlier than he saw. I stand by my choice to stay with him and let him come to see we weren’t going to make it past college. Call it sentimental, call it selfish, but I felt I owed it to him to see we both were becoming too different of people. I don’t think either of us are the villain, if anything I think I’m the villain. I’m the one who so selfishly stayed because I wasn’t ready to let go, I wasn’t ready to be alone and face the world by myself, I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to college and all that I had ever known.

I think with making peace with this decision, yes, tears fell, and hearts broke, but I walked away stronger and better. If we were keeping track of who won, I’d be the clear winner, but I hate to think like that. I’m clearly not ready for anything with these new guys to go beyond the initial fun of getting to know one another and deciding if I like them enough for a second date. I’m not rushing into anything. I think for once I’m gonna play it like I want and do what makes me happy. If I want to date 4 guys at once, I’ll do it. If I find a guy who fits into my life, sure, let’s give it a shot. But I’m now seeing how I need to define myself as a woman in my mid-20’s figuring how to grow up.

When you ask me, what do I want? What am I looking for? It’s easy, it’s simple, it’s hard, and it’s complicated. Just like who we are as people, we want different things at different times in our lives. I think back when I was in school, I wanted someone because I didn’t want to be alone. I was thinking it would be possible to find a partner and someone to build a life with from the ground up, but now I see it wasn’t possible because boys then tend to have a different set of values and desires. I want it all; I want to be treated like a queen and respected but I also want to be seen as an equal (contradictory, I know, but still I want it all), I want someone who’s got ambitions, wants to travel, must love dogs, I want someone I can be a goof around and then not goofy with. I’m looking for someone who knows how to be a gentleman and treats me as a priority rather than an afterthought. I want someone who reads and explores this great big world we live in. I deserve someone who’s gonna challenge me but also help me shine. I want to be the woman everyone sees as glowing and wonder what her secret is. I want someone who’s willing to put me first. I want someone who will walk on the correct side of the road, open doors, pick me up, take the dog out in the rain, knows how to fix things, makes decisions fearlessly, and sometimes takes the reins. I’m not after guys who are into playing games, I’m not looking for a guy who assumes too much, I’m not even sure of what I’m looking for, but I have faith that when I meet him, I’ll know. This concept of love at first sight, I realize is quite unrealistic, but I can’t help but think it’s not totally insane to think you can tell what your potential is with someone after a brief amount of interaction.

As one of my favorite quotes goes; I don’t want you to save me, I want you to stand by my side, as I save myself. So much resonates with me through this quote. It’s about trusting yourself to survive. It’s about knowing no matter what life throws your way, you’ll get through it. It’s about seeing yourself as strong as you truly are. I’m not afraid to be alone, I’m not afraid to be lonely, but I do want someone who’s going to enrich and shape my life for the better. I don’t need a prince in shining armor. I need a partner, someone who’s going to challenge me. Someone who’s gonna stand by me. Someone who’s going to make me be a better person. I’m not looking for someone who can’t make up their mind, I want someone who can take the reins and do the planning. Someone who’s got a world beyond the boring aspects of life; someone who’s love of new and exciting matches with mine, and someone who sees the world as a place to explore, not be scared of.”

Too often do we rely on others to help make us happy or we feed into the concept of someone else completing up. That’s utter bullshit. We ourselves are an entire person, we’re not walking around missing our bodies. We want and crave someone who can “complete” us, but really we should be enough of our own person and when someone comes into our lives they complement it.

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