Posted in Advice

The First of First Dates… Philly Edition

So I admit it, I totally don’t remember this guy’s name… at all. I literally have been sitting here trying to remember, but I only remember how I wondered what kind of people raised him???

We matched on Bumble and started talking. Nothing too crazy, but I couldn’t help but feel he was a disingenuous player type. Not something I was remotely looking for. We spent the afternoon chatting on bumble and finally agreed to meet up after work at the park near my house while I let my dog out.

What’s his name showed up on time, and we immediately introduced ourselves. Bodie could care less about him and went off to go play, so naturally my attention went to keep an eye on the pup.  Right away, I wasn’t feeling this guy. He was too pushy and very aggressive in a poor reflection of himself. Whether or not it was conscious, I felt myself keeping a distance from him and wasn’t really interested in anything about him.

As luck would have it, he couldn’t hide his less than savory characteristics and they came out full fledged in a few moments. The first, I guess we had each other’s phone numbers and after we parted ways, he asked me a few questions he didn’t ask in person.

One essentially was: Are you hosting your own version of the bachelorette?

To which I responded: Sure I guess, why not.

His response was: That’s cool. I don’t really want to vie for your attention. Good luck.

And with the close of the convo, I thought I was rid of him… but apparently not!

The following morning, I was sent a text about how he had other motives (no shit, really). He talked openly about how he was checking me out and that I had a great body. The entire conversation left me feeling like I needed to shower for a few days and boil my skin. Do guys really think that blatantly objectifying a woman to her face will get him laid?  (Here’s a shocker; it won’t).

He mentioned was frustrated because some other girl had lead him on for months and blah blah blah. Am I supposed to feel sympathetic to you? (I don’t).  Now look here dude… don’t come to me with this “sob story” of blue balls, it’s not my issue. If you’re really desperate, use your fucking hand. It’s things like that, a guy trying to make me feel obligated to sexual favors. No. I don’t owe you a damn thing in this world, we were literal strangers yesterday and guess what, we are. Don’t act like you’re some prize, you’re not, you’re really just a trashy human who doesn’t know how to respect women.

So it’s safe to say, that ended with less than a fizzle… onto the next one!

Posted in Advice

The Third of First Dates… Philly Edition

As it seems, there is always an expiration date for relationship that starts wheezing from the start. Peter and I met for a third date. Our conversations were easy and flowed. The thing is, he was a perfectly lovely and nice guy. On paper, he should be the one who was worth my time and made me have butterflies and the sweet words spoken should have been worthy of doodles on my planners, but no. It just wasn’t there.

We decided to meet for lunch and to head to Reading Terminal for supposedly the “best sandwich in the country.” Not gonna lie, it was good, but not “best sandwich” title worthy. But I digress…

On our walk back to my office we started to talk about what we thought we wanted and were looking for. He seemed to have a definite idea, but I couldn’t help but need to let him down easy. Not only was I not interested, it didn’t seem like he was interested enough in me, to even make a move…

I told him I was enjoying the single life, and dating a few people at the same time. I didn’t (and still don’t) think  I needed to justify what I wanted out of my own love life. As a young woman, I’m entitled to my own desires and wants. I think a few of the reasons it didn’t work stem from him not manning up; I’m not asking for you to make a move date one, but at least show you’re interested and not trying to lose my interest. Yea, I’ll make a move or two, but it’s your job to bring it all together. Once the first move is made, I’m okay being the aggressor, but until then I’ll wait it out or get bored.

^ Case in point, I got bored. Plus another aspect, someone else had already caught my attention and was worth my time. So I (maybe or maybe not foolishly) said if it doesn’t end up working out, I’ll at least be his friend… apparently that’s not the answer he was looking for.

So with a hug, it’s over.

Posted in Advice

The Second of First Dates… Philly Edition

I guess this second date doesn’t really count as a full date, but we still spent time together so I feel it’s appropriate to write about. Peter and I met up after he had finished studying and I came to meet him with the pup. 

We chose to walk around the city, for two reasons; it was a lovely (albeit chilly) evening and the pup needed a walk. This date, for me anyway, had a few end goals. I wanted to know what he was looking for, I wanted to see if there were sparks or if it was just the initial static that caught my eyes. I wanted to know if this was someone I could date. All these little tests I run through, I want to be picky. I don’t want to waste my time with someone who’s going to not understand my life. Also, I wanted to make sure I was going to potentially enter a relationship with someone who would be my equal in most aspects of my life. Already from the previous date, I saw a few flags and wanted to see how they would play out. For example, as a grown adult, I have a car and I’ve had my car up here since 2010, and of all my exes, only one didn’t drive/have a car in the city. Which normally isn’t a problem… when you’re in college. But sometimes driving is required and I feel it’s in the best interest of the person without the car to at least offer to pay for gas. Maybe even they could offer to pay for a zipcar or rent a car so they can pull their weight, but I digress…

Peter and I had a lovely repartee together, but I wasn’t really feeling it. He seemed like a perfectly sweet and kind guy, but the sparks we had our first night didn’t come into play the second night. I had dropped hints for the green light, but it seemed more and more, he was the more passive and omega personality. Not something I wanted in my life. Like I said, he’s the kind of guy you’d love to bring home to mom and dad, but I don’t want that. I want the passion, laughter, and comfort. Plus being a bad-ass alpha never hurts either. 

The night ended with an awkward hug and goodbye, before he added, he moves like a “glacier” so very slowly, but I was welcome to make the first move. Yea, no. Thanks for playing. 

But here I was again, being selfish and giving this guy a chance, why? Because HE IS THE GUY YOU BRING HOME TO MOM AND DAD. He’s the one every girl is looking for…

Posted in Advice, Love

It Starts Again… (Part 3)

 

I guess it’s only human nature for us to feel constant turmoil and confusion when starting to see a new person; what is it about me that they like? What do I like about them? What’s their potential? What’s my potential? Do I see any red flags yet? What are the deal breakers? Can I talk candidly and honestly with them? Do they respect me? What do they want? Hell, what do I want? What’s too much contact? What’s not enough? The lines are shaky and there is no guide to how we do this…

But fear not, this tale has positivity in it! We made plans for lunch the following day. Man were my nerves beyond shot. Already running on little sleep and plenty of nervous energy, I was a bit of a wreck before lunch. 

He met me at my office at noon, right on time, for once I was the late one! We went to this new trendy grilled cheese place, ironically a place I’d gone to with my ex when it used to be a restaurant… but man oh man it was yummy. We enjoyed our lunch and imagined the lives of the strangers we saw passing us on the street. With a little time left to kill, we decided to get some coffee before heading back to the office. (Mind you, my third cup of coffee for the day after my usual cup, and one a co-worker brought me).

He had an umbrella, and so kindly held it over me to prevent me from getting too wet. Then we headed back to the office where we sort of awkwardly stood at the lobby and I wasn’t sure what the proper etiquette would be; kiss him or not? Well he made it easy by leaning down and kissing me very sweetly.

Mm, that was a very memorable moment.

It doesn’t take much to be a gentleman, but here we are, a grown ass adult man who knows how to behavior properly.

Posted in Advice

The First of First Dates… Philly Edition

The dating scene is definitely new and intimidating, but I like to think we all have to start somewhere (if we opt for this path.) Let me regale you a tale…

After a bust of a date in DC, I figured I’d give Philly a shot once again. Because why not? I live here, I play here, why not look for someone here?

I matched with a few people. And of course, at this point I can’t remember all their names, but the one date I did set up was with a guy we’ll call Peter for his own privacy. He was quite endearing from the start with his hesitation to using a dating app, and not being such a pro on it. Granted I hadn’t been on Bumble for very long but had matched with enough guys (mostly out of boredom at the office) to have the flirty game down. But going back to Peter…

We had tentatively made a date for coffee in Center City but eventually had changed it to later in the week since I had had a shitty week and wasn’t in the mood to be social. Of course, being a decent human, I wanted to extend to him the courtesy of being in a better mood for our first meeting. 

 

Fast forward to a few days later, we agreed to meet at a local bar in West Philadelphia since we both reside in University City. I was running late, but got there before him. Upon our first introduction, I liked him. I was charmed by his look and his genuine smile. Right away though, I didn’t feel the same spark I had felt with my  first date. I felt that Peter could be the person some girl would marry and be so so happy, but he wasn’t my person. But he seemed very sweet and there was a spark. We had a perfectly lovely dinner together and I enjoyed the conversation. I enjoyed the company. As the hours passed, I felt the connection. His smile started to warm me up, his eyes locked to mine, but still, how funny is it to think I was comparing him to two other dates, and I just felt it wasn’t for me. 

I guess I decided to be selfish and see if maybe it was just the first date that wasn’t right. Maybe our pieces would fit together, I just needed to see him again and in a different setting. 

 

Can love happen that quickly?

Posted in Advice, Love

It Starts Again…. (part 2)

It’s amazing how quickly we can find a spark that carries us farther than we thought possible. A spark which can turn into a flame, as long as you have the patience to fuel that flame because it fights every damn time to turn into a slow burning ember..

‘The date ended uneventfully. I was left wondering and in a state of confusion, but knew it wasn’t to be overthought. I had a second first date lined up in a different city, so why stress over this first guy.

But low and behold, a second date was made. Again, in the waiting, I had intense anxiety and worry I was going to be stood up after all this time. I freaked out to a friend, and luckily she laughed and helped me to chill. He did indeed show up after all and our night was beautiful.

After our little dive bar, we decided to hit another bar, because why the hell not? We’re young and one night of fun is well worth the punishment of tomorrow. So we went to a speak-easy type. There we had another round and chatted before deciding we wanted to get down to the secret bar behind the bookcase. Well we indeed got to go downstairs and had another round. We once again, talked until the bar closed and took a lovely walk to Rittenhouse again. This time we parked our butts on a bench and sat down to enjoy the silence of the city. With some subtle and smooth moves, he put his arm around me and moved oh so slightly closer. We’re talking and then we’re having an oh so lovely first kiss. It felt perfect. Not rushed or overly eager, just right. We figured we would kill some time while I was waiting for my uber. The making out did not go on for nearly long enough.’

I felt sparks. I felt a rush. I felt passion. I felt alive. I feel alive. I get nervous talking to him. I get a smile which won’t go away, but I don’t want it to.  Life should be full of the anticipation for something great to come. There should always be a feeling of some sort of butterflies, otherwise life is much too wasted. 

Posted in Advice

The First of First Dates; DC Edition

And time to tell my tales of meeting these bumble folks. They’re a stitch.

So after a first date in Philly, I trekked down to DC for a second-first date. With a guy who was from my hometown. 

I decided since I was in town, I’d stop to see a friend on my way to my date because why not? I’m free and single. 

Well it would be my luck, to try to get back on the red line, only to be told it was going to be 20 minute late, thanks DC for the construction. Me being a considerate human being, I texted my date and kindly let him know he wasn’t being stood up, but rather I was going to be casually late. His response, ‘no problem, you can make it up with a drink’ and totally acceptable response to a late date. 

Once I finally got there, I immediately didn’t feel the spark of initial attraction. Not sure what it was, but I already knew this wasn’t a match to be made. But a free dinner, why not!

Throughout the conversation, I realized why this guy was totally still single. He was a perfectly nice and sweet guy, but he was just too sweet (something my co-workers makes fun of me for saying) and a bit too arrogant. He had the Bethesda superiority and I didn’t like it one bit. At one point he referenced that I was “a bit too young” and he almost didn’t want to go out with me because of my age… I’m sorry 24 to your 27, get off your fucking high horse, you moronic imbecile. That’s nothing, perhaps if we were in high school and you were 18 and I was 15, then it’s creepy…

But I digress. 

Another sign this was going downhill; actually two signs- 1; a pretentious comment about how of course the people from Bethesda are both wearing North Face jackets (okay asshole, what, no one else can buy a North Face jacket… GTFO) and then he actually made me pay for the drinks. I get it, it can be a joke to say she’s got to pay for the drinks cause she’s late, it’s another thing to ACTUALLY make her pay. 

Well I agreed to go hang out at another bar, because again, why not? Got a second drink, only to not finish it and he made another comment, like ‘oh, I see you’re a half drink kind of girl’ (oh fuck off). 

Finally I decided to end my own misery and decided to take off before the Metro shut down for the night.. He walked me to the station, but what shocked me more than anything was he actually thought if he made a move there it would work! (It did not color him any better in my mind). He attempted to kiss me at the entrance to the Metro and I just kinda ducked and then ran away. No thank you!

Anyway, tale one to regale. There are plenty more!

Posted in Advice

Online Dating… how it happened for me

Tinder. Bumble. Grindr. Happn. Match.

What. The. Fuck.

I got my first push into the world of online dating this past year, good ole 2015. A year of firsts, that’s for damn sure. (More on that another day). Having never used an app since I’d been in a relationship since 2012, I was freaking and nervous. ‘What if  I get catfished?’ ‘Or ghosted’  ‘Or whatever else has been a horror story for online daters…’ but I had to take a leap. Living in a city I had never developed love for, not having friends close anymore (all had moved away), and feeling sorry for myself, I had to take some action into my own hands. I downloaded Bumble and figured I’d give it a shot.

I wasn’t going to try Tinder, too many horror stories from my old roommate. I didn’t need drama in my life. I needed something to be easy and casual, and I sure as hell wasn’t looking for meaningless hook-ups.

Bumble seemed friendly enough; the woman had to make the first move (a plus for me), and I gave myself some parameters because I refused to get sucked into mind fuckery.

Rules for myself:

  1. When swiping right, they have to have something in their bio.
  2. Must be older than myself (range 27-32). I had had enough of the younger guys who didn’t have their shit together.
  3. I’ll send out a “hello,” “hey,” “how’s it going” first to those I deemed worth my time (I know, I know, such a bitch, but this was the game to be played).
  4. If there was no response within 24 hours, I would unmatch. I had no desire to wait around; either for their powertrip to end or if they weren’t actively on.
  5. If I got a response, I’d see how the conversation flowed. If they seemed like a fuck-boy, ‘see ya sucker’ but if they seemed to be legit and nice, I’d see where it went.

There are way too many options for dating now with the ease of using a phone or computer. It’s too easy to swipe left on people who you have no interest in, but on the other token, it’s nice. Clearly with the dating apps, it’s the immediate judgment on how attractive they are to you, based solely on their looks. A shallow start, but it would seem it’s also just as likely to happen at a bar with the person who catches your eye.

Posted in Advice, Love

It Starts Again…. (part 1)

We learn a lot about ourselves when we find ourselves once again, alone, in this world, navigating through a sea of people. It’s a lot harder each time we lose a part of ourselves into another. We lose sight of who we are and who we were. We lose a bit of our spark and passion. All too often do we think we’ll never be the same, and it’s true we won’t. But what’s even better, after a breakup, is the freedom and happiness that comes with being able to make decisions for yourself for your own wants and desires. I found myself in an interesting situation because I thought I wasn’t going to be ready to move on, but suddenly my life opened up and options were plentiful. And here it begins… again.

It’s odd to think your heart can be ready to move on before you thought possible. Being single for all of three weeks, I’ve gotten out and met a few guys. Gotten to go out and explore this fine city I reside it. I’ve been lucky, since I’ve had wonderful support from friends about my breakup, co-workers have lent a sympathetic ear, and I feel I’m ready to move on.

I’m not ready to jump into a relationship right away, but I’m okay with going slow and figuring out how to date as an adult. I’m liking the attention, the way I get butterflies and major anxiety. I like the company and attentiveness. I appreciate the generosity of my dates and the conversations. While I’m all for not being selfish, I’m all about being selfish. I want to soak up all the guys vying for my attention. I want to feel like the hottest woman out there, and hell if I don’t!

It’s all a little scary. That moment. When you first meet. The butterflies stop for a second, and your gut says “yes.” The first moment you see his behavior, swoon or shrug.

In waiting, my anxiety was intense. Not only did I have nerves about it being a first date. It was also the first time I’m meeting him. The first time I’m meeting a stranger online. Hell if I wasn’t nervous, call me a fool. But once he walked up the street, a few minutes late, my heart slowed to a normal pace. He looked like he wasn’t a deranged serial killer. This could be good. He pointed at himself, then at me, and I cracked a smile. Relief rushed over me, I wasn’t being stood up. He walked right up to me and said hi, oh so sweetly. Then opened the door like a gentleman. Immediately his attention was upon me, asking how my day/week had been. We wandered to be seated and started chatting. My heart totally behaving again; this wasn’t so bad. We got a table by the bar and started to small talk about drinks and whatnot. Nothing too crazy yet. In my mind, I’m trying to figure out, what’s this guy’s deal?

 

Posted in Advice

Hind Sight is 20/20. What I’d Tell 18-Year Old Me

As I get older, it’s starting to make sense. All the advice that a parent gives to their children. I look back on everything I’ve been through and if I could go back to being 18 here’s what I’d say to myself.

  1. Don’t pick the school for the wrong reasons. Your parents love you, they’ll support your decision to go to a different school. If they don’t, work harder than before and pay off your school
  2. Don’t fall for the guy who’s going to break your heart over and over. Be smart and think about how you’ll feel at the end of it. Will you have to rebuild everything? Is that what’s best for you?
  3. Think about those you surround yourself with. Your friends should challenge you and make you smarter. Pick friends who will make you be a better person.
  4. Be brave. Make crazy mistakes and deal with the fallout because those choices and decisions are sometime the best ones we make.
  5. Stick to your guns. Don’t follow any path, if you want to make your own path, do it.
  6. Save. Save your money. Save your mind. Save yourself. Don’t pilfer your days away.
  7. As cliched as it sounds, never regret any choice you make. You wanted it and you’ll have to deal with what comes after that.
  8. Value your friendships. Values your time spent with your elementary, middle, high school friends. Cherish those memories, and once you’re an adult work hard to make sure your friends know you love them. Enjoy your college friends. Remember they won’t always live right down the hall and at that point, the friendship has to be nurtured.
  9. Spend time with your parents. There comes a point, without you realizing it, when you’re no longer embarrassed to be with your parents. Once that happens, soak it all up.
  10. Travel. Don’t have a plan. Have a plan. Do whatever suites your fancy. But go see the world, go with friends, go by yourself. You’ll surprise yourself when you have to get out there by yourself and make it work. You’ll make friends and memories.

The list can continue but for now, upon reflection of the new year and how I want to become a person my kids are proud of, I want there to be no regrets.